speculating

Looking back at old blogs has made me realize that my mindset is back to where it was.
But the circumstances are drastically different.

I guess getting away really bring appreciation
for home
for friends
for family.

I thought leaving would fill the empty spaces
the empty spaces that left me complacent.
But no, moving has shed light on the FILLED spaces
only darkened by my mind set,
my mind set thinking that leaving solves everything.
But the spaces are filled
with love,
with hope,
with faith,
and with Him.
I was thinking of me for so long
that I covered the places in my heart with darkness.

I was so ignorant,
fighting for so long, not wanting to realize
to realize my selfishness,
realize my ignorance,
and realize my self doubt.
But it has taken me moving away
to finally shed light on what I have blinded myself to see.

I now see that home is better than here
that home is not what holds you back
it is yourself, your mindset that holds you back.
And life and love is always right in front of you.

"A bird in the had is worth two in the bush."

home

Is on my mind.
California, you aren't for me.
Or maybe just OC.
But I need to be home.
many many reasons...

Really

Can this month get any worse right now? It has been three days without water, and now the plumbers can't come until monday? Really?
And finally when I started to have faith that people here can be actual friends. Of course they all disappoint me.
I am starting to believe that people this day and age are in capable of caring for anyone else but themselves. I don't care if you say you 'care' for your boyfriend or girlfriend. The only reason you do is because 'caring' for them makes them 'care' for you, which is just like only caring for yourself. If they didn't 'care' for you then you would move on and say screw it, find someone else to fill your time and only think of yourself.
I thought moving to California would be so great because I would meet new people, see new things, experience life. But so far I am just experiencing life. Yes, I have met new people, but they simply pass by without a thought that maybe we could actually be real friends. It amazes me how friendships can be taken for granted, actually it disgusts me! I could be wrong, but I feel that people from small towns actually appreciate life more and experience more in life because we never take life and friends for granted. We take advantage of every moment and live with love for one another.
I don't exactly know what I am trying to get at here, I guess I am just ranting. And maybe I am home sick, because this place does not feel like home.
Home is where the heart is, home is where true friends are made, home is where family that loves you are, home is where love is, home is not here for me!

This really sucks being alone. =(

Step back

The night comes closer
with the beginning of each day.
never taking a step back
to let it all in.

How did I get here?
When did I arrive?
Is this really happening?

Questions whirling through time
that never seems to stop.
I stop to look and everything is a blur,
everything keeps moving.
But me...

No one notices, no one cares.
They take advantage of my time standing,
Just a brief moment of their life.
Not realizing the time I had put in.

The sting sinks deeper.
I am misunderstood and left with nothing,
the grass is always greener
but only if you tend it.

I guess I am finally appreciating what I had.
Or did I just take advantage of it?
I guess it is too late.
So I will unwind, and get back into the movement.

so many things

What enlightens my mind?
Kind words and simple smiles
beautiful faces and sweet melodies.
Never becoming too content with life as it is
rushing into good things, and loving every moment.
Moving forward, but always looking back.
Embracing every second of life
and taking in the natural vibes of the earth.

Yes, my writing has become sparse
The flow of writing has left my finger tips.
How am I supposed to gain it back?

By just as I described,
embracing the day and enjoying life.
It's time I do what I want to do,
it is time to be selfish,
but selfless and compassionate at the same time.
It is time to love myself, but love everyone else a little more.
I am in the midst of change, ad I absolutely love it.
Never knowing what a free spirit was like,
has been implanted in my mind forever.

Life can take me in any direction I please
and I absolutely love life!
Although the solid road looks beautiful and easy.
I choose the path less taken, the path I will build for myself.
And I am ready, I am here!

New

Everything is going so amazing!
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

But I guess you can't forget the land you came from.
Never ever ever will I forget.

Yet I am having too much fun!!

I think I found closure

For so long I sought to find the source.
The source of broken friendships
the source of change
the source of my unhappiness.

The source is myself.
I have dwelled too long on the past
too long have I tried to apologize and receive no forgiveness
too long have I waited for change
too long have I punished myself


I have forgiven myself, and I forgive you.

"Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way." -author unknown


I have found peace

love Kesha!

Life amazes me!

If I had learned anything in the last 20 years of existence,

it would be that we learn to loose to prepare to gain.

We loose friends, we loose family, we loose nautical nonsense

that we think is oh so important.

The times we are down and depressed,

are the times that build us up stronger to take on a new day

so that we may gain new friends, new family, and a new chapter in life.

Of course not everyone knows, but I have made a really big decision.

A decision where I am choosing to leave what I have,

what I am so content with. And starting a new chapter,

a new beginning far far from this little rock.

Yes, I am terrified, worried, anxious, excited, and extremely depressed.

But with one end comes a new beginning, right?

I also have been taking on a new dietary lifestyle, no meat!!

Also, trying not to consume so much GMOs,

which is in pretty much every man made product out there.

And I feel fabulous! I have a much clearer mind, and I feel very balanced.

I have noticed the decisions that I have made that I blamed other people for.

I've noticed the great friendships that I let slip away.

But I can't only blame myself, there are always two sides of the story.

And of course each side is right.

But when I try, when I put myself out there I get ignored,

shut down. Well I guess that means that chapter has closed.

It's time for a new beginning.

oh the drama

I should just die because I am the lowest of the lowest of the lowest scum in the universe.

And would you care absolutely not.

(by the way to anyone who reads my blogs. When I say "you" "he" "she" if it's not a direct name or relation, it is a completely indirect term. Meaning I am directing it to the world, no specific person.)