why

does depression have to kick in on good days.

i really should talk to someone..

relief!

School is done!!!! (for now)

And I will embrace every opportunity I get, appreciate the people I am with,

and remain worry freeee!

Yes, I am really going to love this break.

To Do list:

•BEACH

•SURF

•FIESTA

• Be with happy people

•Stay away from immature overly dramatic people

•BEACH

•eat LOTS!

•FIESTA!

•Be with friends

•SURF

•Love

•Laugh

•FIESTA!!

alone

It seems these days are being spent alone.

Everyone busy, gone, forgotten.

I find myself talking to myself and laughing at my own jokes.

I am my own friend, my own best friend.

So much more is getting done, laundry, cleaning,

tune ups, homework.

But yet I am having the HARDEST time in school.

God knows why, but my study habits are leading me down the drain.

But it is still sunny outside of my window.

The birds are chirping on schedule,

And I, continue each day like the last.

Oh! and, I would like to repeat ---------^^^^^^

this day over and over again. ----------^^^^^^

Champagne, friends, fun, laughter..

complete

Oh my heart is so full of love

He has returned to me

with kisses and hugs

a girl could only dream of.

His big black eyes full of stories

that he would never be able to tell.

So many questions

held in so many mysteries.

But of course, when one gains

one must loose.

I am broken, again

from the same old swindler.

Life never stops sending me it's curve ball.

But I must remain humble, and grateful.

I will find what I deserve.

why

Is my puppy gone?!

Was it something I did,

is this something I deserve.

Who knew that the absence of a crazy,

wild dog would leave me torn up.

I can't sleep, can't focus, can't eat.

I just want my puppy home.

I want my best friend home!

xD

Alone once again.

every breath, step, glance, touch

feels so routine.

No time to be with friends,

no time to be with myself.

Everyone is just so gosh darn busy.

Ignoring my calls, screening my messages

Yeah I know that is what you do.

You can't hide, you can't fake.

Only wanting me when you have no one else.

This is not what I am meant for,

not what I want.

What do I want?

Happy faces surrounded with laughter.

Friendship that never gets dull.

Love that is never ending,

and faith of a pumpkin seed.

I don't want what you can buy off with money.

What I want is your friendship,

your love,

your compassion,

and to know that someone really does care...

and maybe, just maybe,

a simple hug and hello.

sprint

so I went on a jog with my new pup Kula.
Yeah, not so much of a jog
more like a SPRINT!
ahhh

it was pretty hilarious non the less

and yes, my face is BRIGHT red!

oh the love I have for that animal...

disappointed

Yes times are feeling like they should.
But of course they will never last.
Friends are leaving in a month or so.
And I, am stuck doing nothing with my life.
Spending way too much for a community college,
not at all knowing what I am doing.

A boy friend who thinks he will never amount to anything.
no one to rely on, no one to trust anymore.
On top of that I feel like people are dropping dead left and right.
I am TIRED OF MY LIFE!
I need to do something!

You never know, I could be the next body found.
The next victim, the next tragedy, less then a loss.

What a rude awakening to my dull bitter sleep.
I've got to get out of here,
even if I have to break my own heart to do it.

But will I?
of course not, because motivation is not in my criteria.
If I even had one...

life

It's funny how things can get out of view,
people looked over, and time taken for granted.
Never stopping to as how he/she is doing.
Thinking the time is yours and for no one else.

The phrase "see you later,"
never really served much purpose,
when later means another life.
Life is too short to take for granted.

Love everyone, and embrace the day.

----------------------------
R.I.P. Warren
My prayers are with you.

new

Starting over is always the hardest thing.
Although refreshing, every step and every word
is hesitated and at times taken back.

The people I once held onto so dearly,
are slipping away between my fingers.
Never to be seen or heard from in days,
weeks, months, years.

Returning with a message,
probably just wondering what I have been up to.
But of course, a new life, with out you.
Unsure if apologies are in order.

I reply with a smile and say:
until next time, have a good life.

Horoscope

Today my horoscope said that the flowers of my heart will blossom.
Oh Lord I really hope so.
I'm tired of being tucked in the darkness, lonely and depressed.

Thank you Afton and Nash for noticing and caring.
Even though I don't see you Nash much, I'm glad you are still my friend.

Please summer light,
shine on my darkened life

mood: thinking positive.

PS: People have been taking this whole TROG movement WAY too seriously. I figure if they are, they are way to insecure about themselves. We can't all like everyone and not everyone will like us, so we are all the same. As far as the north shore goes, Trog has been the label for a girl or whatever that a person doesn't like, so if you have nothing good to say you minus well say it about yourself. Cause someone just might be calling you a trog too.

days keep passing

one two three four
Everyday is going by waaaay too fast. With nothing significant or exciting to remember them by.
My friends are distant and I am left feeling abandoned.
Making new friends are so hard at 19 years old.
New plans are emerging, revealing a new life ahead.

Forget about me if you must.
But I won't be around long to bring back the memory.

Family and my love are all that I have.
Holding me back, in a good way not bad.
I need change!
North shore is so lame these days.

Now, time to finish another day
dull and insignificant.

change of sight

Hearing shit
is different than listening to shit.
Saying shit,
is different than doing shit.

I am tired
of people making shit with people.
Walking on the people that have been the best to you.
Talking only leads your mouth to a fist.

Stop talking, and face what your claiming you'll win.
Stupid girls and stupid lies.
1 2 3 4,
you don't know and that is really sad.
5 6 7 8
lost track and your life is down the drain.

Get over your life, it's really not that great.
DO something beside fail.
So sad, I would feel for you, but I don't.

----------------------
Fights last night were SICK!
I have way more respect for those guys and girls now.
Next time, boys are in for the win, coming for your neck haha
Sky is currently teaching me some shit and shit. haha
learning to throw a punch when I thought I already knew.
But now it's just a little harder!
YEAH BIIITCH talk shit I'm training to take you down.
tehehe, I'm not one for violence, but you mess with my friends
you mess with me, BRING IT!

broken

4:13am and my heart has never felts so empty and shattered.
Life is a bitch, smacking me in ever direction possible.
When everything seems to be getting better,
all of a sudden I become a snotty bitch.
THAT'S NOT ME! BELIEVE ME! I would never ever ever want to come across as THAT!

How do I tell someone I love them, after they say they don't want me anymore.

This is the worst feeling in the world!
WHY GOD?! Is this punishment for not having control over my emotions?

CHANGE, it's what I am trying to do. FIx everything, mend my swollen heart
and swollen red eyes.

Now, 4:16am
I lay down and try again.

and we go on

Leaving the best memories behind
after learning that your weren't real to them anyway.
What is the use of trying?
If no one considers you a part of anything.
Someone to make time go by?
The person on the last string when no one is around.

Yup, always have and always will be
the last choice, the last thought, the last memory
that anyone will ever have.

I am no one, not even to myself.
I am my only friend with maybe one or two others.
I will live my life with no expectations
and no desire for anyone else.

When all else fails just call Kesha?
Maybe that is how it is.
Nothing else to do, time for our last resort.

Too bad, so sad.
modo of my life.
It's not that we go on.
Everyone else goes on
while I am left alone in the dust.

NO, I do not choose this path for myself
listen and read, I DO try to get your attention
check your phones, your dumb ass facebook and myspace.
That is where I have become desperate.
It's not that I want your attention,
it's that no one has given much to me anyway.

Talking about her, or him.
Yeah, I will listen because I do care.

I wish someone would listen back.

so and so and so

So life really goes on.
Things are working out slowly and painfully, and I thought it should.

Summer just hit me leaving a nice pink spanking on my ass.
Life is bitter sweet with baby chunseys in the morning
and on shore cool winds in the evening.
I'm so tired now after work
but I must clean my room.
Friday nights have lost their touch.
Absolutely NOTHING to do these days.
Sad sad.
I just want to rage and dance with my girls and my fella on my side.
too bad 5 more pounds has set me back.
Gottah get back into the routine, oh boyyy.
I do love summer.



you can guess who is who. teeheehee

I am the one to blame

It's really sad that I am to blame that my own boyfriend doesn't see his friends.
Let's look at the facts:
I don't get to see him that much anyway maybe an hour or two every other day.
Most of the time I spend alone waiting around. And YEAH I do hang out with my friends a lot,
but that's because the times I spend with them are when I can't be with skyler.
So it's sooo stupid, it's his fault he chooses not to be with them when he can.
I should never be the one to blame for this. And the worst part is is that I have to be equally leveled with his friends.
I don't think that is fair, I am supposed to be his girlfriend, yeah I expect to see him at least every other day. But isn't it how that should be. That's what happens when you are in a relationship, times with friends are less and you DO hang out with you girl/boyfriend more often then most.
But whatever, now I'm stuck scheduling the time I can spend with him. Only one full day and maybe two or three hours every like three days.
Honestly, that's kind of lame. But I guess that's what I got myself into and I am kind of over it.


And now I am stuck at home alone, friends are busy with THEIR boyfriends, or just busy.
I honestly don't care that he is spending time with his friends, why should I?
I just don't think that I should be blamed for him not getting to see them.

SOOO who ever has spare time like me, we cruise!

Once upon a time...

they lived happily ever after???
doubt it

It is official

Today is my last day of the semester.
I decided not to torture myself with summer school so I can be in college for the rest of my life.
My throat still hurts but not as bad.
Shouldn't the antibiotics be working already?
oh well.
I am so stressseeeddd!
I would like to go to the beach.
But I have to wait like 3 days.
oh well, until then......

once again

I wake up with a sore throat.
This really sucks! AND I start finals today, haven't studied too hard cause I am feeling deathly.
WHY NOW?!?!?!?!
I hope I'm better by thursday or else I will sleep and never wake up.
How do I tell my teacher that I can't stay to read my poem? gooooosssshhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

vent

soooooo I am pretty sure I am sick now.
The only thing leading me to my conclusion is that I can't swallow because of the excruciating pain!
It all started yesterday at work, I was perfectly fine, busy, and of course not drinking any water.
SO I start feeling like I am going to faint, I sit down and someone gives me bread which felt like glass going down my throat.
So my dad or shall I say my boss comes in and is telling me to get over it. So I put on an act like I am okay, trying not to puke on my customers.
Now, the next morning, I go to my "dad" to tell him I am sick. You can just guess what he says:
"YOU KNOW WHAT! You think about all the other people that call you when they are sick. I AM YOUR BOSS you are so disgusting. The other manager and I found you sickening, sitting on the job is unacceptable! You need to get over and deal with it or else I will."
Yes, and this is at 730 in the morning at our house. I can't even have a dad, he is my boss 24/7. Oh and the other people that call me when they are "sick", they are actually hung over. COMMON! I didn't know I was going to be sick, when they are drinking they have to know that they will be hung over!
This is all fricken bull shit!
I am going to quit and get a new job, SCREW JAMESONS!!! They're all selfish assholes.
To top it all off, I found out that no one I work with will be friends with me because my dad is the boss, so of course everyone is fake excluding maybe 2 people.
Pretty fricken gay!

2 more weeks

power power power this semester through!
I CAN NOT WAAAAIIIIT FOR SUMMER!
soooo we went to waimea falls tonight, twas a nice beginning to summer.
I am so excited to have loooong beach days with my gals and fellahs.
lets go lets go lets go!
CHEEEEE

hahaha

To my lovely friends that cared about my break-down blog

Well I guess as of now everything is piecing itself back together.
School is fucking my my mind!
I can't control these mood swings and the things I say to people.
I need to understand that I can't control what has happened to people, or what will happen to them. Life is fucking tough! But again and again I deal with it.
I need summer!! I feel like a robot, and I can't control anything.
Honestly, there is something just pushing me along saying things and doing things I don't really want to do. And my sanity is in the back screaming NOOOOOOO! I AM GOING INSANE!
MUCHOS KUDOS TO MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS THAT CARE!!! I have more than I feel like I have right now
love you guys!

I want this:

Remembering summers past
Where sand was engraved between my toes,
as the waves washed upon the shore
and the slow breeze billowed through my hair.

Where sand was engraved between my toes,
every breath of air was satisfied
and the slow breeze billowed through my hair
the clear sky’s captured my eyes.

Every breath of air was satisfied
after long hours of laughter.
The clear sky’s captured my eyes,
and my body once delighted at the ocean’s touch.

After long hours of laughter
times with friends never forgotten
and my body once delighted at the ocean’s touch.
My eyes closed to take in the beauty.

Times with friends never forgotten
as the waves washed upon the shore.
My eyes closed to take in the beauty,
remembering summers past.

again and again

Day passes by without a wave
no reaction comes from my face
I want to react, I want to move
smile, laugh, play.
I can't move, mechanically I walk through my day.
Over and over again
every thing is the same.
All a blurrrr
I can't see anything.
Someone help me
I can't see, I can't stop!
Give me a break!
Damn things controlling
Moving the squeaking swing in my brain to a stop.
I..am..lost..

what if

What if:
•I actually left for college
•I broke up with him in the beginning like I was going to
•I actually went through with it
•I didn't show up before she tried to hurt herself
•I didn't forgive everyone
•Uncle Python didn't die, would my dad be the same man he was?
•I let him hit me
•I decided to stay in Mexico
•my mom didn't have Multiple Sclerosis
•All my friends stayed together
•I had more friends to begin with
•I came to God years before
•I wasn't born again
•we actually moved away
•I didn't swerve back onto the road
•I stayed out just a little later
•I just left and told no one
•I disappeared..would anyone notice?

today

I have the hiccups
too much wine.
too many projects to finish.
My nose is in EMENCE pain!
and I am overwhelmed.
I wish I could just rrreeelllaaaxxx and float

sunday

and I have so many things to do!:
• work
• research project
• math quiz
• theatre homework
• poetry portfolio
• extra credit project
All due tuesday
BOOOOO

And to top it all off my nose is so sore and I have a huge sore on the inside of my lip because I bit it.
Super nasty and suuuuper sore! My face looks retarded because I can't move anything. =(
I really hope I an get everything done!

soo

It's time that I write something again..

The past two days have been sooo horrible for me. I know it is Easter and I should be praising the Lords resurrection, but I'm just so lost in myself. It's been one of those times where I don't want to deal with anyone, just want to yell, mope, scream, fight, cry, and just be gosh darn depressed all at the same time.
I guess It's just a woman's thing, darn hormones.
Wow, and just looking up I see the carving Pastor Mike made for me: "Jesus <3 Kesha"
No matter how I feel, how I treat people; HE will always love me and accept me back into HIS arms.
WOW! That's all I can say.

Tears have fallen once again
not of sadness this time
but of hope, faith, and love
Reassurance has filled me up
Never will I wander away from You
never will I talk ill of Your name
and never shall You forsake me.
For You are my Lord, my Rock, my Salvation.
There is no use for seeking further
for I am not walking, I am running.

My mother, the fighter

They used to call her Gracie
Everyone's best friend
She was a dancer, runner, lover
never ever a fighter.

Looking at her once before
so young, happy, and vibrant.
standing next to her best friend, on their way to a club.
Dancing was her spirit that she would never give up.

Against the wall they stood
hair teased with tons of split ends.
Dressed in their best with dancing shoes on
fun was wherever they were to be.

She never knew what was to become of her...
she became a wife, another best friend, and happily a mother...
But why did misfortune have to come for her?
Taking her spirit from her that she would never give up?

She is forced to fight,
fight the rogue that has disabled her from her dance.
Showing them her passion, she tries to win the battle.
But when they think they have defeated, she smiles back and fights more.

Today I call her mom, of course
she is my best friend and my creator.
She is a teacher, lover, mother
and now, she always has to fight.

uggg

I wish my vacation didn't end!!
I'm back at school, early may I add for a group meeting and I am the only one who showed up,
assholes.
anywho
Cali was flippin amazing, I can't wait to be back this summer!
Two more months of school! YAYYY!
But I can't stand being here, schools in cali are wayy nicer than this load of crap.
shiiiiit
I neeeeeed more sleep.

Good day.

Saturday morning

Had allergies all day yesterday, and I wake up this morning with the gnarliest allergy hang over.
I feel like CRAP!!!!!! Tonight is Kat's birthday and I REALLY want to got to town and rage!
But I feel like crap and I have to be ready to cruise with my mom tomorrow.
I feel really bad but I'm not going to have much fun, I can already tell. Plus Sky won't want to go and I don't want some rolling freaks to be all up on me.
Shitty. Anyway, I leave on Thursday and I have a shit load of homework to do before Tuesday! Plus I started my womanly cycle and I am super drained.
Not a good Saturday morning =(

as of now

I have done no homework for school,
and honestly I don't care.
ugghhh
I am soooo over it! Hopefully I will not get into any trouble.

15 days baby!

cali cali cali caliiiii!
I am so excited! Getting out of this place for 10 days is exactly what I need!
Midterms are a piece of shit! but I guess I will get over it.
Oh and this friday is AAR!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!
They better have tickets at the door for rachel, that lazy ass girl.
Idk where she has been, sucking dick, who knows.
Anyway.... It is wednesday and my day off, what to do.....

satisfied

Oh had the most wonderful night.
Even without Skyler... Didn't make it all the better, but over all a wonderful night last night.
Ate the bombest dinner at aftons house. I love her family!
tucked little skyler into bed, haha.
Met the hunnies at Joes.
Charged pupukea and danced until I got knocked over by a bunch of moshers. Got beer spilled on me, stood with the cops drinking beer, told 1234556 people I had a boyfriend, reunited with aussie friends who dont remember me..
hahaha It was amazing.
I didnt rage as hard as Afton, I came home quite early. Cali is going to be amazing with my tweadle dee!
lalala It is raining now, unfortunately. I guess I should do homework =)

tired

Afgh woke up at 730 to go to work at 8 and found out I work at 12 instead, don't have to work tomorrow and now i only have barely 3 shifts.
I know I complain about working a lot but it is nice to know I would have some shifts to work for money.
Once again I am taken advantage of because I am the youngest one working...
I should probably work out but I am soooo tired. My allergies are kicking in because of spring...LKJSHDF!
Club tonight? idk I'd rather not get into a deadly car crash where no one knows if I was actually in a car. Plus I am fricken tired and I would rather the north shore rage cause town is gay!
bleh

=)

So it was another busy day at work... Made $143..twas beautiful.
My aunt is over organizing my house and everything is EVERYWHERE!
I really dont care to finish my homework right now. I just want to cruise.
I'm drinking champaigne cause I'm thirsty.
Skyler is training and I probably wont see him,
honestly I dont care.
interesting...
I want to party, and I want my body to love alcohol again!
Cali will be amazing and Afton and I are going to have a blast!
I'm listening to the Twilight soundtrack that my mom bought me
I want to read them again.
I don't like Stephanies new book The Host
so I'm not going to finish it.
Anywho...
I need to work out. ughh
But I'm feeling good!

Trust

Learning and Understanding.
We gain and we keep
in need to remember this
and never forget.
It will be our biggest downfall
to mistrust another person.
To mistrust yourself.
It is time to let go
of all this stirring up
in our minds, and in our ears.
have faith in yourself
that you can find assurance
And learn to learn
and understand to understand.
No pity shall fall down upon you
no forgiveness and forget
if you don't change
if you don't learn to change.
Overcome and have faith.
Trust is what gives you strength.

I have no life

Just got home from school like an hour ago.
Actually maybe more.
It's cold outside and I dont want to go in the ocean.
All my friends are too busy and I am allllll alone.
Oh well. Fricken Skyler called me at 2:45 and said he was gonna surf for a little bit.
5:30...I didn't know that a little bit now is more than 2 hours.
Ugh. Tried to do homework and it was not successful.
My brain is fried! I really should go work out but I am so tired and I feel like a fatty!
What to do...


It's official, I have NO life!

overreaction

I MUST STOP OVERREACTING!
I am killing myself!

My eyes hurt and I feel hollow.
maybe it is good.

CALI!

OH I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!!!!

as of now I am pretty focused on school, work, family (barely). And that is it SCOOL AND WORK rule my life!
Scedule:
Sunday:work
Monday:work
Tuesday:school
Wednesday:day off to study and die
Thursday:school
Friday:work
Saturday:work

GNARLEEEYY!
I will live... I am waiting for doo doo girl rachel to pick me up and she is taking FOREVER! I shall forgive her later.
blah blah...It is cold, I'm thinking of wearing boots and a big sweater... If I had those two.. That needs to be on a check list for what to get in Cali..
ooopppp i think she is hear. Adios!

ready

Today WILL be a good day because I said so!
I will not let anything screw with me!!!!
NO NO NO!
Lets be happy little ducks playing in a pond.
Frogs leaping over one another.
Puppies sniffing each others butts.?.
haha
okay well my daily agenda will be the same as usual for fridays:
•Swim
•Work
•Do small kine homework
• the rest is a mystery
•*** Be happy, be nice, be kind, be a good person, say please, say thank you, smile, no crying, no frowning, laugh, jump, run, scream with glee!!!!!!
Yes today MUST be a good day! please!!!!

Tears fall down her rose stained cheeks.
Puffy eyes and an oozing heart.
The world is attacking her from every point
She can't do this
Wont do this, the last straw.
Giving up was always so far away.
Tell him she is serious.
This one last time, he's straining her inside and out.

Gazing back he breaks apart.
Realizing his folly he proceeds
to tell her his heart.
The heart she thought was hard as stone.

More tears, and it scares him.
She says it's okay, they are tears of resurrection.
Giving up is far once again.
Love fills the once faded eyes.

The cloud clears and they see each other.
Perfectly and forever.
It wont end here
not like this.
Making up never felt so good.
Intertwined in each other.
Staring at each other with love.
Never letting go, this moment will never end.
S

babysitting

So I'm here with my boyfriend babysitting.
Super funny! She has so many questions about everything!
It makes me wonder what it would be like to go back to that age.
Four years old; probably the best age there is.

She knows everything,
yet has so many questions.
independence set in since the day she could walk.
Yet dependant she remains.
Laughing at the small things
and crying over the bugs.
Life is so simple.
Easy to fall in love with everything she meets.
So many years ahead.
Slow down beautiful child.
You don't want to see it,
the world is scary.
Stay dependent; only walk home.
Love everyone and embrace what you have.
One day you will look back
and wonder where the years have gone.
SO laugh little one,
it's okay.
Tears are for strength;
be prepared for your future.




OHhh the boy, he is so cute.
I never knew how much he loves kids.
Crap! I still have so much homework to do and I haven't been home all day!
I better go...

needy

I get it all and it's not enough
look at me look at me
Touch me please.
To know I'm alive?
Or to know I have feelings.
Help me understand,
I can't do it alone.
Please don't ask why;
I don't know myself.
I just need you, I just want you.
For myself, selfish?
Yes, I know.
I need this to happen,
now more then ever.
I've fallen so fast and frequently.
Over and over again.
AHa! I know now;
love.

LIFE

The rain is falling and Joanne just gave me peanuts.
Spin the wheel and see where you land.
Left or right?
Which is the best way to go.
The little box decides your fait.
To live, or live on.
always on and on.
Something new, yes quite exciting.
Collect $40,000 or loose it.
Grab a life
Get a life
Twins
Houses
Cars.
If only we could be so lucky.
If somone was playing my life like a bored game.
Maybe it would be more eventful
than this.

on and on

Gotta move, gotta move
I can't stay here any longer.
I'm bored, I'm bored.
It's hard to find the beauty of the day
In paradise I can't find it.
Try something new,
yes, yes something new.
All the strings al falling off.
But one,
the most beautiful one.
Come with me?
Please.
Stretch your limits and find beauty!
With me..
Change, we need it.
I need it, you need it.
Who am I and who are you?
We won;t know unless we try.
Fly, Fly, run, move.
The beauty of the day, is there.
Beautiful strand, of life.
The beauty won't be without you.
run...

ending

Break is ending and school starts in two days.
I have to get back on my diet.
I feel gross.
I am so tired, I need some rest
although I slept for 12 hours last night.

The clock is ticking closer to work.
blah blah blah
Planning my spring trip, and I can't wait.
I still need relief.

Really Feeling it

Yup it's the new year!
And it will go by as quickly as the last.
I wish this hang over would go by just as fast.
I slept all day and broke down from time to time.

Being alone and thinking is way too dangerous.
I also received a letter from myself a year ago.
It specifically told me to stop thinking so much.
I guess it's my downfall.

Well I'm going to see a movie with my love.
SO so happy to have him.

2009:
•Stop thinking so much
•Gain substance tolerance
•Go to cali with afton
•possibly move to san diego.?.
•keep my friendships strong
•surf as much as I can
•Study hard and get good grades
•Be closer to my family
•Eat better
•Make the right choices
•stop being so attached
•love and love and love
•live....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves.