Step 1

So I have had the feeling that I am slowly falling off the face of the earth.
Too many days spent by myself, being my own best friend.
I really can't say that I have no friends, because I really do have them.
I just don't see them everyday, I don't see any friend everyday really.
I see her tomorrow, I saw her yesterday, and haven't seen them in weeks,
and that's pretty much it.
Best friends have been lost and faded. Trust and honesty erased.

After being gone for 6 months, it is so hard to want to mend relationships, when I know that I am the only one that will.
Some things never change, and other have drastically.
Because of lost friendships, others have to be scheduled in when convenient.

I really don't think this is how things should be,
things are not right,
my friendships are not right anymore.
I have too much time to myself and to think.

So I will write a letter and hope someone will write back
hope someone will understand
and hope someone will be there more than just one day.

------------------------
My first step to getting out of this rut was deleting facebook.
I think this will be a good thing, I think this can really make changes.

But what the heck,



I've been writing to myself anyway.

Is this really where I've come?

If I were 17 again,
I would not recognize myself today.
Yes I am stronger, a bit smarter
And a bit more experienced.
But really?
It seems I was much more socially oriented,
Content, happy, satisfied, and full of ambition.

I've come to a point where I no longer see my future.
I no longer have ambition,
Hardly a social life.
And not sure what happiness is anymore.

I'm not really sure what to do now....

speculating

Looking back at old blogs has made me realize that my mindset is back to where it was.
But the circumstances are drastically different.

I guess getting away really bring appreciation
for home
for friends
for family.

I thought leaving would fill the empty spaces
the empty spaces that left me complacent.
But no, moving has shed light on the FILLED spaces
only darkened by my mind set,
my mind set thinking that leaving solves everything.
But the spaces are filled
with love,
with hope,
with faith,
and with Him.
I was thinking of me for so long
that I covered the places in my heart with darkness.

I was so ignorant,
fighting for so long, not wanting to realize
to realize my selfishness,
realize my ignorance,
and realize my self doubt.
But it has taken me moving away
to finally shed light on what I have blinded myself to see.

I now see that home is better than here
that home is not what holds you back
it is yourself, your mindset that holds you back.
And life and love is always right in front of you.

"A bird in the had is worth two in the bush."

home

Is on my mind.
California, you aren't for me.
Or maybe just OC.
But I need to be home.
many many reasons...

Really

Can this month get any worse right now? It has been three days without water, and now the plumbers can't come until monday? Really?
And finally when I started to have faith that people here can be actual friends. Of course they all disappoint me.
I am starting to believe that people this day and age are in capable of caring for anyone else but themselves. I don't care if you say you 'care' for your boyfriend or girlfriend. The only reason you do is because 'caring' for them makes them 'care' for you, which is just like only caring for yourself. If they didn't 'care' for you then you would move on and say screw it, find someone else to fill your time and only think of yourself.
I thought moving to California would be so great because I would meet new people, see new things, experience life. But so far I am just experiencing life. Yes, I have met new people, but they simply pass by without a thought that maybe we could actually be real friends. It amazes me how friendships can be taken for granted, actually it disgusts me! I could be wrong, but I feel that people from small towns actually appreciate life more and experience more in life because we never take life and friends for granted. We take advantage of every moment and live with love for one another.
I don't exactly know what I am trying to get at here, I guess I am just ranting. And maybe I am home sick, because this place does not feel like home.
Home is where the heart is, home is where true friends are made, home is where family that loves you are, home is where love is, home is not here for me!

This really sucks being alone. =(

Step back

The night comes closer
with the beginning of each day.
never taking a step back
to let it all in.

How did I get here?
When did I arrive?
Is this really happening?

Questions whirling through time
that never seems to stop.
I stop to look and everything is a blur,
everything keeps moving.
But me...

No one notices, no one cares.
They take advantage of my time standing,
Just a brief moment of their life.
Not realizing the time I had put in.

The sting sinks deeper.
I am misunderstood and left with nothing,
the grass is always greener
but only if you tend it.

I guess I am finally appreciating what I had.
Or did I just take advantage of it?
I guess it is too late.
So I will unwind, and get back into the movement.

so many things

What enlightens my mind?
Kind words and simple smiles
beautiful faces and sweet melodies.
Never becoming too content with life as it is
rushing into good things, and loving every moment.
Moving forward, but always looking back.
Embracing every second of life
and taking in the natural vibes of the earth.

Yes, my writing has become sparse
The flow of writing has left my finger tips.
How am I supposed to gain it back?

By just as I described,
embracing the day and enjoying life.
It's time I do what I want to do,
it is time to be selfish,
but selfless and compassionate at the same time.
It is time to love myself, but love everyone else a little more.
I am in the midst of change, ad I absolutely love it.
Never knowing what a free spirit was like,
has been implanted in my mind forever.

Life can take me in any direction I please
and I absolutely love life!
Although the solid road looks beautiful and easy.
I choose the path less taken, the path I will build for myself.
And I am ready, I am here!